Friday, 27 January 2012



amar sherma (limbu)

have been waiting for Pramila five long years since  I went to the US to marry her and live a happy life with her. I am unsure if she is waiting for me too. Since I flew to the US with a wealth of promises and challenges, she has been out of touch. I wonder why she stopped getting in touch. It always beats me. I'm very anxious and excited. I'm looking for her. 
"Kati padandaas bhaeko ho ni!" (What a bookworm you are!). Must I take tuition classes from you?" These were the first mocking words she spoke to me. It was my first day in school and was the first time I saw her. Indeed, I've to say it was love at first sight. I could never ever recollect having seen such a beautiful face before. She appeared to be more beautiful than any Miss World or Universe. For the first time I felt what love is, my heart pounced beyond my control. I was the new face to the whole class eight and the school, but for me, her enthralling face stuck permanently in my mind, the face that really had the magical and spellbinding power to marvel me, the face that came into my mind as a vision, a preoccupation. I didn't know how she became my shadow, entered secretly into my consciousness and started following permanently.
Fortunately, she was one close friend of my next-door friend. And for that reason she grew little closer to me than with the rest. "O! Dear I should keep up my patience, pluck up courage and need to look perfect in every inch of me.Soon I'm going to pay a visit to her home with the marriage proposal. May God help me, my legs are shivering, and I'm feeling nervous. My heart is palpitating.”
On account of her presence, my school time seemed to be more enjoyable and hilarious than ever before. It was out of question for me to pass the weekends and vacations. I often despised holidays which a few months before were something I used to long for. Whilst I was home, one minute without seeing her seemed no less than a decade. Sprouting leaves on trees were welcoming spring, chill morning mist, were waving goodbye, every thing was changing and the changes were unexpected. I, myself, was bewildered, amazed as if it was taking place in my real life or was daydreaming. A fun-making, poor fellow who once used to dispute in regard to love affairs, marriage proposals has metamorphosised into a forlorn dude. All the changes marveled me, for they were beyond my expectations.
It is 3pm in the afternoon and it has been half an hour since the garage staff started servicing my car. "A Black suit--perfect, expensive, hairstyle--a bit spiky, the latest mobile in the pocket, some US dollars and a Green Card in the wallet--made in USA. I think my neighbours and childhood friends will be jealous of my life or career. I'm really elated to be among them. It takes only an hour’s walk distance to reach my home from here.
I found her the prettiest being in the universe. Perhaps God worked hard to create each and every aspect of her. Frankly speaking, at first sight, I wished to make her my life partner. A number of times I endeavoured to speak my mind but it was merely a vain attempt as I went dumb and became cowardly. In fact, her habit of being among friends never gave any chances to read her mind and talk in solitude. Moreover, I was not handsome and well-off,so at times I abused my creator, God. This is what made me repress my feelings instead of sharing with her, albeit my friends insisted that I propose to her. But now I have a thought that everyone finds their own key to unlock life’s secrets and discover the world.
I befriended her neighbourhood age mates with the intention of collecting information as to her. She was pretty, intelligent, caring, smart, cool, a bit introvert and if I portray her as anything more, you would think I'm blowing my girlfriend's trumpet. Her glowing and charming face, with majestic beauty, soft and sweet voice, could, if she had tried, have allured any boy. But she never showed interest in any other boy besides me.
I can still vividly remember it was morning; it was drizzling in spite of the wedding season. There was a wedding of relative one; all of my family members were engaged. My most loveable person, my mother asked me to accompany the bridegroom. I was upset. I had already got accustomed to seeing my beloved’s face. I was, really, in a dilemma as to whether to follow my mother's instruction or see her as usual. I weighed my mother's parental affection and my future life partner on scales. I could not decide. I was unable to resist her image in my mind. Anyway, I got a chance to go to school under false pretence. I convinced my mother that I needed to present in school. For her sake, I lied to my mother for the first time. I had dedicated my life to my beloved. 
I used to come first in each exam, so her friends always sang my praises in her presence. It obviously might have made her turn her mind to me and developed a positive attitude towards me. I always think of impressing and attracting girls by virtue of inward beauties like skills, honesty, talents, etiquettes and so on as I am not a good looking young man. I was constantly improving; I came first again in the second terminal exams. In the same year I was awarded a trophy for being the best footballer of the school. Now, everything was on the right track and it came as no surprise for me that she noticed those positive changes in me. It is said that love is so powerful that can bring drastic changes in someone's life that was true of me. Thanks for changing my mode of life. 
Luxurious gadgets like cell phones, i-pods were not as common on those days as they are at present. There was no means of communication between us aside from hand written letters. We didn't have access to Yahoo! G-mail or Facebook chats. School was the only place where we could sit together and get connected as a dating spot. 
"My car is serviced. Now, I'm heading home. Mom is waiting to welcome me. I want to wipe my memories. Maybe she has already got married instead of waiting for me. No, I cannot imagine a life without her—my life will be incomplete. O! God, I try but can't. She appears wherever I let my eyes wander. Her image is haunting me. Why? Am I going crazy? My car is speeding up. I am uncontrolled as if I am drunk. It is not the rainy season; nevertheless, it is drizzling incessantly. Shit! These windshield wipers are not working. Driving such car may put my life in peril. I should slow down my car otherwise it may crash into something. Oh, it's already 4 pm. School time is over. A few schoolchildren are walking ahead. I am honking horn. A lot has changed in Nepal over a half decade but the traffic management and road condition is almost same. Where is development plan heading to? Hey, hey...Damn it my car nearly knocked a schoolgirl down. "Don't you have eyes?" shouted a pedestrian. In a while a furious crowd gathered. I was puzzled. I stopped my car because an idea of fleeing didn’t strike me. Due to fear, the girl fainted. Now she is in a hospital. She is regaining conscious slowly. Night is falling. My mom is waiting.  
"Naanu, are you okay?"
"A little bit! Where am I right now? Where is my mummy?" she asked. 
"Where is your mom?"
"She is home."
"Do you remember her mobile no?"
"No, uncle but my school identification card has my details."
I took the card and I was shocked as I spotted her mother's name, Pramila. "What a coincidence! Who I was thinking of is also Pramila. My sweetheart! 
I dialed her number **********
There was problem in the network. It's Nepal. Damn! I tried again. "Sorry, your phone could not connect because of the network error!'
I tried twice. "Yes, her phone is ringing."
"Hullo, Pramila speaking." 
I was dumbfounded. I was speechless. 
"Hello, hello, who is it? May I know you, please? Hello, why don't you respond to me? Is there anything wrong? Do you hear me? "Hello…..."
I didn't dare to speak to her. She was no other than  my Pramila. "Oh! God! How merciless you are! I wanna die, I am gonna hell! Kill me. I don't want to survive, never."

I am really unlucky. I loved someone heartily, earned a degree and made money in the U.S. yet I lost her. Why did God separate us though I loved her truly? Maybe her love was only dramatic. I dedicated and sacrificed my life to her. Is this what I had expected from her? I want to know why she put an abrupt end to our blooming relationship. But what is the point of knowing the reason why she left me as that doesn't have to concern present. 
I can't live without her for a moment….I can't….It is very painful.

* This is an overnight work. This fiction has been written in dedication to my best friend, colleague Subhash Thapa Magar who always inspires and boosts me to put my feelings into words. I always express my gratitude to him. The fiction written above is partly a true story and carries some resemblances to my personal experience. In case it bears resemblances to someone else's real experience, it will only be a coincidence!

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