have been waiting for Pramila five long years
since I went to the US to marry her and live a happy
life with her. I am unsure if she is waiting for me too. Since I flew to the US with a
wealth of promises and challenges, she has been out of touch. I wonder why she
stopped getting in touch. It always beats me. I'm very anxious and excited. I'm
looking for her.
"Kati padandaas bhaeko ho ni!" (What a bookworm
you are!). Must I take tuition classes from you?" These were the first
mocking words she spoke to me. It was my first day in school and was the first
time I saw her. Indeed, I've to say it was love at first sight. I could never
ever recollect having seen such a beautiful face before. She appeared to be
more beautiful than any Miss World or Universe. For the first time I felt what
love is, my heart pounced beyond my control. I was the new face to the whole
class eight and the school, but for me, her enthralling face stuck permanently
in my mind, the face that really had the magical and spellbinding power to
marvel me, the face that came into my mind as a vision, a preoccupation. I
didn't know how she became my shadow, entered secretly into my consciousness and
started following permanently.
Fortunately, she was one close friend of my next-door
friend. And for that reason she grew little closer to me than with the rest.
"O! Dear I should keep up my patience, pluck up courage and need to look
perfect in every inch of me.Soon I'm going to pay a visit to her home with the
marriage proposal. May God help me, my legs are shivering, and I'm feeling
nervous. My heart is palpitating.”
On account of her presence, my school time seemed to be
more enjoyable and hilarious than ever before. It was out of question for me to
pass the weekends and vacations. I often despised holidays which a few months
before were something I used to long for. Whilst I was home, one minute without
seeing her seemed no less than a decade. Sprouting leaves on trees were welcoming
spring, chill morning mist, were waving goodbye, every thing was changing and
the changes were unexpected. I, myself, was bewildered, amazed as if it was
taking place in my real life or was daydreaming. A fun-making, poor fellow who
once used to dispute in regard to love affairs, marriage proposals has
metamorphosised into a forlorn dude. All the changes marveled me, for they were
beyond my expectations.
It is 3pm in the afternoon and it has been half an hour
since the garage staff started servicing my car. "A Black suit--perfect,
expensive, hairstyle--a bit spiky, the latest mobile in the pocket, some US
dollars and a Green Card in the wallet--made in USA. I think my neighbours and childhood
friends will be jealous of my life or career. I'm really elated to be among
them. It takes only an hour’s walk distance to reach my home from here.
I found her the prettiest being in the universe.
Perhaps God worked hard to create each and every aspect of her. Frankly
speaking, at first sight, I wished to make her my life partner. A number of
times I endeavoured to speak my mind but it was merely a vain attempt as I went
dumb and became cowardly. In fact, her habit of being among friends never gave
any chances to read her mind and talk in solitude. Moreover, I was not handsome
and well-off,so at times I abused my creator, God. This is what made me repress
my feelings instead of sharing with her, albeit my friends insisted that I
propose to her. But now I have a
thought that everyone finds their own key to unlock life’s secrets and discover
I befriended her neighbourhood age mates with the
intention of collecting information as to her. She was pretty, intelligent,
caring, smart, cool, a bit introvert and if I portray her as anything more, you
would think I'm blowing my girlfriend's trumpet. Her glowing and charming face,
with majestic beauty, soft and sweet voice, could, if she had tried, have
allured any boy. But she never showed interest in any other boy besides me.
I can still vividly remember it was morning; it was
drizzling in spite of the wedding season. There was a wedding of relative one;
all of my family members were engaged. My most loveable person, my mother asked
me to accompany the bridegroom. I was upset. I had already got accustomed to
seeing my beloved’s face. I was, really, in a dilemma as to whether to follow
my mother's instruction or see her as usual. I weighed my mother's parental affection
and my future life partner on scales. I could not decide. I was unable to
resist her image in my mind. Anyway, I got a chance to go to school under false
pretence. I convinced my mother that I needed to present in school. For her
sake, I lied to my mother for the first time. I had dedicated my life to my
I used to come first in each exam, so her friends
always sang my praises in her presence. It obviously might have made her turn
her mind to me and developed a positive attitude towards me. I always think of
impressing and attracting girls by virtue of inward beauties like skills,
honesty, talents, etiquettes and so on as I am not a good looking young man. I
was constantly improving; I came first again in the second terminal exams. In
the same year I was awarded a trophy for being the best footballer of the
school. Now, everything was on the right track and it came as no surprise for
me that she noticed those positive changes in me. It is said that love is so
powerful that can bring drastic changes in someone's life that was true of me.
Thanks for changing my mode of life.
Luxurious gadgets like cell phones, i-pods were not as
common on those days as they are at present. There was no means of
communication between us aside from hand written letters. We didn't have access
to Yahoo! G-mail or Facebook chats. School was the only place where we could
sit together and get connected as a dating spot.
"My car is serviced. Now, I'm heading home. Mom is
waiting to welcome me. I want to wipe my memories. Maybe she has already got
married instead of waiting for me. No, I cannot imagine a life without her—my
life will be incomplete. O! God, I try but can't. She appears wherever I let my
eyes wander. Her image is haunting me. Why? Am I going crazy? My car is
speeding up. I am uncontrolled as if I am drunk. It is not the rainy season;
nevertheless, it is drizzling incessantly. Shit! These windshield wipers are
not working. Driving such car may put my life in peril. I should slow down my
car otherwise it may crash into something. Oh, it's already 4 pm. School time
is over. A few schoolchildren are walking ahead. I am honking horn. A lot has
changed in Nepal
over a half decade but the traffic management and road condition is almost
same. Where is development plan heading to? Hey, hey...Damn it my car nearly
knocked a schoolgirl down. "Don't you have eyes?" shouted a
pedestrian. In a while a furious crowd gathered. I was puzzled. I stopped my
car because an idea of fleeing didn’t strike me. Due to fear, the girl fainted.
Now she is in a hospital. She is regaining conscious slowly. Night is falling.
My mom is waiting.
"Naanu, are you okay?"
"A little bit! Where am I right now? Where is my
mummy?" she asked.
"Where is your mom?"
"She is home."
"Do you remember her mobile no?"
"No, uncle but my school identification card has
I took the card and I was shocked as I spotted her
mother's name, Pramila. "What a coincidence! Who I was thinking of is also
Pramila. My sweetheart!
I dialed her number **********
There was problem in the network. It's Nepal. Damn! I
tried again. "Sorry, your phone could not connect because of the network
I tried twice. "Yes, her phone is ringing."
"Hullo, Pramila speaking."
I was dumbfounded. I was speechless.
"Hello, hello, who is it? May I know you, please?
Hello, why don't you respond to me? Is there anything wrong? Do you hear me?
I didn't dare to speak to her. She was no other than my Pramila. "Oh! God! How merciless you
are! I wanna die, I am gonna hell! Kill me. I don't want to survive, never."
I am really unlucky. I loved someone heartily, earned a degree and made
money in the U.S.
yet I lost her. Why did God separate us though I loved her truly? Maybe her
love was only dramatic. I dedicated and sacrificed my life to her. Is this what
I had expected from her? I want to know why she put an abrupt end to our
blooming relationship. But what is the point of knowing the reason why she left
me as that doesn't have to concern present.
I can't live without her for a moment….I can't….It is
* This is an
overnight work. This fiction has been written in dedication to my best friend,
colleague Subhash Thapa Magar who always inspires and boosts me to put my
feelings into words. I always express my gratitude to him. The fiction written
above is partly a true story and carries some resemblances to my personal
experience. In case it bears resemblances to someone else's real experience, it
will only be a coincidence!
Question arises; does discipline mean correction action after a problem occurs or a wrong is done? Is it abuse? Does it take away freedom?... The answer is: None of these. Discipline doesn’t mean that a person takes a belt and beats up kids. It is madness. Discipline is loving firmness; it is direction. It is a source for great performance.
Not all medicines are sweet, not all operations are painless... but we have to face them. Many of us don't like to be in discipline because it controls our freedom.
Whatever we may feel now, but we will realize it slowly, so friends, let us take it positively to become successful in our coming days...
ell phone calls, text messages, e-mails, online social networks, chat rooms-there has never been a time when the means of communicating were so numerous mass connection, many people--young and old-feel very lonely. Why?
In their book Loneliness--Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, researchers John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick thoroughly address the subject of loneliness. They refer to a study that says that "increased Internet use can increase social isolation as well as depression where it replaces more tangible forms of human contact."
The hectic pace of life imposed by modern society is hardly conductive to warm human contact. A smile and the affection that can be seen in a person's eyes cannot generally be conveyed over the phone or through a message on a computer screen.
The above can be true in the workplace but even more so within the family circle. In many homes family members come and go without sharing meals or conversations. Adolescent children have their own computer and live virtually isolated from the rest of the family. Ironically, in spite of their electronic communication gadgets, many youngsters feel lonely.
These days, even the bonds of marriage can be threatened by feelings of loneliness. Lack of communication between marriages partners can b ring about a situation in which the two lead parallel lives, moving in lines that seldom meet. A feeling of being alone while living with a marriage mate is one of the most distressing forms of loneliness.
Single partners in particular may have to contend with feelings of loneliness. The world of mass communication, among many other things, can cut off companionship with their children, causing feelings of aloneness to increase. Also, many single people long to have a companion, but their emotional needs remain unfulfilled.
Loneliness has become a social evil that can contribute to alcoholism, overeating, drug abuse, promiscuous sexual behaviour, an even suicide. It is therefore important to identify the causes of loneliness. Taking this first step can lead to success in coping with the problems.
Loneliness is not the same as solitude. Rather, according to the dictionary, loneliness "more often suggests isolation accompanied by a longing for company." The same dictionary explains that solitude can refer to the situation of "one who by wish....is cut off from normal contacts."
So, solitude can be desirable under some circumstances. Many often seek it for prayer or meditation. Loneliness, on the other hand, is a painful feeling. What can cause feelings of loneliness?
In big cities thousands --even millions --of people live in close proximity. Yet, paradoxically, this cramming of people together engenders widespread loneliness. The hustle and bustle of city life can prevent a wealth of people from really getting to know their neighbours. Hence, city dwellers end up living among strangers. The all-too-common distrust of strangers and the desire to protect one's privacy may indeed play a big role in the incidence of loneliness in big cities.
·Inhuman work methods- The way many large business concerns and industries are managed has led their employees at all levels to feel lonely and inadequate. Workers often experience unrelenting pressure and stress. Moreover, within large companies, the systematic relocation of staff creates feelings of insecurity, isolation, and loneliness among workers. Commenting on a spate of suicides among the personnel of some corporations, a news resource said that many workers of developed countries feel pushed beyond their limits by the pace of economic change.
·Cold communication- Some of us may find that people make less of an effort to see you, as they believe that texting, e-mailing, and chatting online is enough. But it only makes us feel lonelier. Communication ability is bound to decline as cell phones and other devices are now getting between people.
·A changed environment- The economic crisis has caused widespread mobility, obliging people to relocate so as to keep their jobs and find work. Change of residence wrenches people away from their neighbours, their friends, their schools, colleges, and sometimes their family. Those who are thus uprooted like a plant has been transplanted but has left its roots behind.
·Loss of a loved one- The death of a marriage mate leaves a huge void in the life of the surviving mate. This can be especially true of a person who has nursed his or her spouse over a long period. Feelings of total emptiness often occur.
·Divorce, separation, unwanted singleness-A divorce or separation often leaves in its wake feelings of loneliness and failure. Children commonly suffer the most, much more than were previously realized. Some experts believe that children of divorce are more likeable to become lonely adults. Those who are unmarried inasmuch as they cannot find a suitable marriage mate commonly experience periods of loneliness. Such feeling may be intensified when others make tactless remarks, such as , "Wouldn't you be happier married?" Single parents too experience loneliness. Parenthood involves not only joys but also problems; single parents have to come up with these problems without a partner to consult.
·Old age and youthful inexperience- The elderly may often feel lonely, even if they are not neglected by family members. Relatives or friends may be able to visit occasionally, but what about the other times--perhaps the days or weeks when no one visits? At the other end of the age scale, young people commonly suffer loneliness. Many become addicted to solitary recreation--to watching TV, playing video games, and spending countless hours alone in front of their computers. Is it possible to find a solution to this existing problem? Yes, we can cope with loneliness.
Steps to overcoming loneliness:
-Develop a positive outlook
-Limit isolated recreation, such as TV viewing, playing games on gadgets or computers
-Seek friends who share your values, including people not your own age
-Seek a marriage mate if you are interested and self-dependent
-Don't get into the habit of isolating yourselves and shying away from others
Today in the early morning, few roads of the Kathmandu valley were washed away, not even a speck of dust could be seen there. Though the Melamchi project is yet to come, I felt like the project was completed earlier on that day, and the roads were washed. All the dividers of the road was cleared. Roads were glossy; every one surprised seeing bright and clean mettled road. Same feeling was within me. Can’t it be done forever? Can’t the country do the same things for its citizens? If they can do it for Chinese Wen, why not for us? Don’t we have rights to stay in the clean surroundings? Wen came to Kathmandu for 5 hours and returned, but we kathmanduties have to live here for years. So why don’t the government plan out for us rather than for Wen..??
How you decided to end it all, is even today something that makes me gaze upon. It was all so perfect. With you; I always had that smile, a true smile on my face.
Here without you, I still manage to smile and the world doesn’t care it’s being fake, neither do you. You don’t even know that tears fall now and then and more hard is how I pretend something in my eyes in front of people!..When sometime back into my memories I realise myself smiling to your thoughts, it’s so hard again to realise those are just memories!!
How easily you ask me to 'take it easy' is what bothers me a lot. If love is to be taken easily, I am happy that a person with such view moved away from my life!!
When I dragged you out of my heart, the creak that produced is the most horrible noise I ever heard. In spite of having taken you out of my heart, the wound you made there still grabs me into the deepest pain I shall ever feel.
And now for me love a word itself is a horror!
Here without you, I have borne a lot of pain; you don't know how I dreamt you to be with me in all my pain...!
Here without you, I have learnt to smile, you don't know how hardly I wanted you to be my only reason to smile...!
Here without you, I have learnt to live without you!!
Here without you, life is much more, than just a guy!!
Here without you, I need no one to love me, I love myself!!
Here without you, finally I have realised rather than being with a wrong person its better being here without you!!!.
Recently, I am influenced by the poem “Waste land”. As that in wasteland, I find people of the present world are merciless, irresponsible and pitiful. No one cares anybody except themselves.
Love does not ...exist here, sex has replaced it. Just Plato knows about the platonic love cause these days people even forget Plato. If anyone tries to remember him and tries to follow his track, then the result will be as that of mine. Damn! This is another wasteland. Here is no respect of your feelings. Material thought has gobbled your internal feelings.
Even sometimes I feel like, what’s the use of writings? If your feelings won’t be taken as it should be taken or realized. Writing goes down and down, it has no value these days as it used to be .Still there is time, let’s start respecting each other and even their thoughts and let’s stop this land from being waste.
At first glance, Ronny looked like every other kid in the first grade classroom where Marie volunteered as a teacher.
On a closer inspection; though Ronny was a student of first grade, he didn’t know much up to his level. He therefore was not asked for. He couldn’t read a line from the books properly. Marie saw the loneliness faced by Ronny, she wanted to help him. B...ut couldn’t as she had no enough time. Her experience as a volunteer teacher was coming to an end. The next day was her last day in the school. That night she thought of giving different awards to the students. She awarded students according to their capabilities and as she went accordingly she didn’t know what should be given to Ronny. Finally as an encouragement she awarded Ronny with “The Most Improved Reader”. Later next day she started handing away the awards, when Ronny was called his face lit up with excitement his eyes sparkled with happiness. Very gracefully and with pride he went to stand beside Marie to get his first award; his certificate and his first gifted book.
After few months, Marie decided to go to the school for a visit. She stood still on the playground with amusement. She saw Ronny studying the book gifted to him, he was studying the book the lips moved and she could guess he was reading it fluently. His teacher stood beside Marie and said, “He has never left this book since you gifted it to him. And moreover he has brought tremendous change in his study.” Marie then stood beside Ronny and asked “Will you read it for me?” He smiled and shifted a little to make room for her to sit. He then read the book fluently clarifying with expression. Marie’s eyes filled with tears. Ronny’s concluded and said it was a good book. And then after that incident Marie realized the importance of skills of writing. A book had brought a tremendous change in Ronny’s life.
A book changed a child’s life care enough to make a difference. Without fearing of the mistakes we make and learning from the mistakes let’s lead our life to a greater height. It is all possible through writing, so let us all never stop writing. Just remember one writing express lots of expressions be it happiness, sorrow, amusement. It helps you to share your experiences and your sorrow. It is also that man learns either from learning or from experiences, it is almost impossible to experience everything so let’s share it and help everyone around. Just keep on writing it changes the way people live and think, remember that your writing always counts……
She was waiting & suddenly but carefully, he hugged her from behind. She knew the touch, so familiar & realized that it was him. She turned around, looked into his eyes & he smiled his smile. He took her soft, petite hands into his rough ones. Her heart which seldom makes her feel its presence, except for the scientific fact that it works & pumps down her chest, started beating & to quote in her own words "came to life". The mere organ of the circulatory system felt her feel & responded in its own arterial ways, but then she opened her eyes.
In an instant, in a nanosecond of a time, in a rush she was dragged out & couldn't even grab her dreams & bring them along with her, to the other side. She couldn't remember a single fragment of it & likewise didn't know the reasons behind her fluttering heart & her being ferociously happy in an early morning. She looked around her & saw chaos; noises, sights & smelt to sense in.
And suddenly it dawned upon her-the reason for her happiness. She found it, it was him as always & she smiled.
Nobody owns the trait to bring smile to her face, make her feel happy & lighten up her heart, but him. All the magic works when he is around, when her first love is around. He's been visiting her dreams quite often lately & she on her turn has made a few, reluctant steps to bring it all to an end. She doesn't know about his whereabouts, has stopped asking about him to his friends & she believes that he probably has some other hearts to work his magic on. She makes a brave face & acts like she doesn't care, like none of it smolders her deep but there's never a single, soul-searching, lonely moment when she doesn't close her eyes & takes a silent trip down the memory lane, to her school & to his first day as her new mate-class mate, soul mate.
She reminisces the moment when the bright, sunny day meant nothing to her when he was not there in the morning assembly, the innocence of filling her lungs with as much air as possible because he is breathing the same air, the teasing of friends & the shyness, the hours spent in front of the mirror prior to the silent dates, the cliched love songs that made sense & the piece of her heart that she gave away. Yellow never was her favorite color & she never was a bubbly girl but it all morphed, morphed for good & she wished for nothing but his love in return.
Eventually a day arrived when there was nothing sweet & lovely to say, no more good feeling to feel & an end to happy endings. She took the road that everyone chose, the road of love & she suffered, was betrayed. She cried over the deep crevices & wounds, the emptiness he had created over years in her heart. She blamed herself & blamed the God. She no more kneels down & prays but unknowingly, she surrenders to the bitter sweet changes he & his dreams brings in tow & nods her head in agreement every time Sheryl Crow croons "first cut is the deepest”.
Hence, on days like this when he haunts her, in her dreams, she smiles at the forgotten moments, at his smile, exhales & moves on with the pieces of unwanted dreams, roaming all day in a loop.
Part-1... It was the day of excitement, the day when everyone has that big smiles on their faces, the day when everyone frequently looks at their watches, the day when everyone waits for tomorrow. The day of New Year’s Eve. I was there with her. OH! Man...She looked so beautiful. That satin white dress was lucky, get so close to her perfectly toned body and those dazzling eyes they were more like the way to heaven. And that angel like smile of her was just so beautiful. I was so happy to be with her.
Part-2...when i walked into the hall with her I could hear those long breaths of amazements...and could read those faces of envy. She was so fragile, so innocent and so real. She used to prefer limca to liquor. I had promised her that I would stop drinking soon after our wedding which was only a week ahead. So it was more or less like a party where i was going to have my last dose of alcohol. She was soon surrounded by her bunch of crazy friends and so was I. They danced and gossiped and we went to bar.
Part-3…I had had plenty of shots that night, had to stop when I saw her sad eyes saying that it was too much. I stopped, and a silent smile lit her face again. The count began and it was finally the year I had been waiting for. The year of our wedding. The party came to an end and it was finally the time to go home. Rita insisted me that she would drive but I comforted her by saying that i was perfectly fine. We got into our brand new Fiesta. At that time it had started to drizzle and the roads were quite slippery.
Part-4...The alcohol had started to show its effect, I started having nausea and then blank...I woke up after a while I could feel small droplets of water falling on my face and something warm and thick near my arm. There was a sort of pain in my shoulder. But I could hear an angel like giggle. Despite my extreme pain I managed to look beside me.There, I saw her drenched in her own blood but still managing to smile. And then I knew it was the end. I cried and started to dial number. I knew it was my fault.
Part-5…but she stopped me and asked me to give her our first kiss. I could feel something warm rolling down my cheeks. I bent down, my eyes were full of tears, but her eyes were full of love. I went nearer and then in the lightest way I could I gave her my last kiss. So frenzy never drink and drive because you never know what it may lead to. It kills you. People say that I was lucky to survive that accident but I guess that is not true because after that I am dying every day because of guilt and despair...